Bill’s Single Again, Folks

It finally happened. After 27 years, millions of dollars and a few lucrative book deals between them, Bill and Melinda Gates finalized their divorce on Monday, marking the end of one of the most wholesome power couples of our time—or at least, formerly wholesome. Ever since the two announced their impending split last May, some pretty… icky stories about Bill started to bubble up, including details on his relationship with Jeffrey Epstein and track record of questionable behavior with women under his employ. Even the New York Post jumped in the fray (multiple times)! Needless to say, if this guy’s going to get back into the dating scene, he’s going to need a serious image upgrade. Luckily, I’m here to help.

I’m not a professional dating coach by any means, but I am a professional at setting up my straight dude friends with my straight lady friends. In the old country, I’d probably be known as a shadchanit, which loosely translates to “someone who will edit your Tinder bio in exchange for a loose cigarette.”

He can probably afford cigs in spades, but I decided (in the spirit of philanthropy) to offer Bill some freebies to throw on the dating app profile he most definitely has. Girls, he’s available.

Sure, a lot of that style is a weirdly tucked-in polo shirt and some unintentional stubble, but hey! Some people are into that kind of… look?

We’re still in the throes of hot vax summer, and ladies, there’s nobody more vaxxed up than my friend Bill. He’s such a vaxxed up guy that his name often comes lumped in antivaxx conspiracy theories of all kinds! Wild, right? Also wild: the fact that the guy won’t budge from his stance on vaccine patents, which has led to restrictive global vaccine access—unless you live in the richest countries on earth. Sure, his weird stubbornness has directly led to the vaccine apartheid we’re living through right now, but look at that lab coat! He’s doing a science! Adorable.

I don’t know about any of you, but I like a man who’s sociable, and knows how to talk to people. And I mean, Bill Gates’ social circle is likely bigger than anyone else’s you know. Look at the caliber of person this guy knows (or knew): Jeffrey Epstein! Warren Buffett! Bill Clinton! Think of the kinds of parties these people put on!

Actually wait, don’t. Don’t. Oh god.

OK, I’m going to level with you. There actually isn’t much that’s likable about this guy, in spite of what his carefully crafted persona might suggest. He seems, at the end of the day, like an asshole. But he’s an asshole who’s also worth more than $131 billion. That’s going to have to go to someone, and that person could be you. Bill may have figured out a way to live forever, but unless he has, I will just say that he’s currently 65 years old. The average life expectancy for men in the U.S. is 76. Clock’s tickin’.

And wasn’t The Big Short a great movie?

I’m including this slide in the event that Bill actually gets around to reading this. With that in mind, what follows is for BILL’S EYES ONLY!!!!!!! DO NOT READ UNLESS YOU’RE BILL!!!!

Don’t you do it! I’ll know!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ahem. Good. Now that we’re alone: Bill, honey. You need help—and not just with your dating profile.

You’ve been a documented creep toward women. Remember when you and Melinda started dating while you were her boss’s boss at Microsoft? What about the time you responded to a presentation one of your Microsoft employees put on by asking her to dinner immediately afterwards? Or what about the time you cornered a woman working for your foundation during a cocktail party to ask her on a date? And that’s just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to allegations against you.

You can work on your style and get some less problematic friends, but none of that matters unless you put some effort in. Shave your face, but also treat your female coworkers like coworkers and not like objects that exist exclusively to prove what a good dude you are.

And really, man, stop tucking in your shirt.