Andrew Yang Hath Wrought Havoc on My Email

On approximately January 14, a soft rumble undulated across my inbox. It sounded like: “ANDREW YANG LAUNCHES CAMPAIGN FOR NYC MAY…”

Really, this should have read: “!!!!SEEK SHELTER: SEVERE ANDREW YANG STORM WARNING IN EFFECT UNTIL NOVEMBER 2ND 2021, 100% CHANCE OF YANG-SIZED HAILSTONES INCOMING!!!!!”

This is to say that from late winter to early spring, Andrew Yang’s press team has co-opted my work brain with ALL-CAPS ravings about ANDREW YANG and his WEDNESDAY SCHEDULE. This is the siren sound of Yang’s arrival at a baseball game:

YANG ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME: ANDREW YANG HEADS TO CITI FIELD FOR METS’ HOME OPENER

This is the scream of terrified citizens jumping into the sea:

**ADVISORY** LET’S GO TO THE BEACH: ANDREW YANG VISITS CONEY ISLAND TO CELEBRATE REOPENING

This is when a violent squall slams into the Department of Sanitation building:

TODAY AT 1:30 PM ET: YANG TALKS TRASH

This is the sound of a rogue derailed subway car plowing through the Canal Street station:

**ADVISORY** PUBLIC SCHEDULE: YANG TO RIDE SUBWAY WITH ASIAN CANDIDATES, HOST PRESS CONFERENCE TO ANNOUNCE BROADWAY AND LIVE PERFORMANCE REVIVAL PLAN

This is Andrew Yang on a Friday:

**RELEASE** YANG WEEK IN REVIEW: ANDREW GOES TO THE BALLPARK AND DROPS A MUSIC VIDEO AS “SUGAR-RUSH” CAMPAIGN HEADS INTO APRIL

So much excess Andrew Yang information has accumulated in my inbox that I have to dump it for you here. I can tell you where Andrew Yang is right now, at this writing; he’s at the intersection of Lane and Westchester Avenues in the Bronx, standing in front of a folding table with bags of food. I know this from his Twitter account, actually, but to supplement this, his senior campaign leadership held a press call to discuss Andrew Yang’s exciting poll numbers at 1:00 p.m. ET. I know his favorite scarf—blue-and-orange striped wool—which he has worn for at least roughly 50 consecutive days, with the exception of a Yankees scarf on opening day.

He hates it when people take advantage of free parking. He got VAXXED on April 10th. This week, he received an endorsement from the John F. Kennedy Regular Democratic Club (I hadn’t heard of them either), and, as of yesterday, received OVER $3.7 MILLION IN MATCHING FUNDS.

I could imagine four scenarios in which I need second-by-second updates on Andrew Yang’s whereabouts. 1) I’m a stalker; 2) I’m a bounty hunter; 3) I need to know if L train is running; 4) Andrew Yang is carrying the unborn child who will save us from Skynet, and I have like three days before I’m blasted back to the year 2029.

But the rationale for Andrew Yang Amber Alerts remains mysterious since I have nothing to offer Andrew Yang. The press team presumably knows this if they’ve read my stuff.

I believe that his policies are pale shadows cast by five paragraphs of copypasta of rhetorical vagueries like “the city is hurting” and we need to “assess the shortcomings,” without demonstrating much knowledge about what parts of the city are hurting or specifically what shortcomings need to be fixed and how. I believe that they fall depressingly short of NYC mayoral candidate Scott Stringer’s years and years of detailed audits with recommendations for targeted reinvestments in city services. I believe he’s basically selling one idea (a lot of free money for all), which he drastically scaled-down (a little free money for 1/16th of the population) when faced with making it a reality. I believe that he could make that plan happen, but yet-unfulfilled promises don’t cut it next to bonafides like his opponents—a watchdog, a civil rights attorney, an NYCHA reformer, and a CEO of a not-for-profit affordable housing developer.

I know that legions of underfunded organizations in New York City are screaming readymade solutions to their communities’ suffering at the top of their lungs. But “cooperatively-owned alternate models for telecoms and real estate barons and gig corporations” doesn’t rip.

When you tell me what Andrew Yang is doing all day every day, I see the monorail guy from the Simpsons. When I toggle over to the website, I think of “LIMITED TIME ONLY BTC GIVEAWAYS LIKE + SUBSCRIBE” tweets. I believe that’s the point. It doesn’t matter if they like you or hate you. It worked for Donald Trump, and nobody’s talking about Dianne Morales.